Haven't Forgotten My Way Home
by Ayshen
Summary: Because the separation has become more then either of them can bear. EO always.


**A/N: So, yeah, this is my first try in this fandom and it scares me…because I love EO so much and writing them makes me super nervous. For now, I'm calling this a one shot...with the option to continue it if the muse is so inclined. There's some brief language. **

**Thank you for reading, I hope you like it, and as always your reviews are appreciated. **

The medal of the Semper Fidelis is cold, each grove already imprinted and memorized on her fingertips.

She doesn't allow herself to miss him in the daytime. Not at the station when his desk is temporarily unoccupied and she can imagine seeing his face across the room, not when she climbs into the car with Amaro, and surely not when she feels so overwhelmed she just needs for him to look at her with those eyes and know.

But in the darkness of her room, after a case that steals part of her soul, she lets herself press that metal in between her forefinger and thumb as her ears fill up with tears.

OoO

It's a physical ache, a burning in his chest, and it's not from the four miles he just ran. He runs every morning, every morning that he should be getting ready to go into work. He runs because it's the only way he can slow his brain down; it's the only time that he distracts himself enough to not stop the dull throb at the thought of her.

Six months, three days, fourteen hours…he could probably pinpoint it down to seconds since the last time they saw each other.

He knew what she meant to him…but he never thought of the way his world would seemingly cease to turn without her in it. Without her, a piece of him is missing and he's just going through the motions of a life he doesn't know how he ended up in.

OoO

Sometimes she thinks she still feels him. Their connection had always been something so palpable, so unexplainable to anyone else. She knew the murmurs, saw the looks from other detectives who didn't get it. But it didn't matter because they got it and that was all that ever mattered.

His mini badge is tucked in her wallet next to her own badge. He hasn't called, and she won't lie and say it doesn't hurt, or that she's not angry as hell. But he reached out; and it was like he knew that she needed that, needed him. The words that came with the badge would have meant little to anyone else…seemed insignificant but she knew him…

Semper Fi…forever faithful.

OoO

Kathy's car is still there when he comes back. Usually he leaves before she wakes and comes back after she's left to take Eli to preschool and gone off to work.

She's sitting at the table when he comes in; her hands folded in front of her and he knows something is wrong, "Hey, you sick?" he asks grabbing a water bottle from the refrigerator.

"No"

It's eerie the way she says it, hollow and she's wringing her hands and staring at him, "What?" he snaps trying to avoid her gaze.

"I used to think you leaving SVU would strengthen our marriage…that I would be the one you talked to, that the connection you shared with her would somehow magically transfer to me"

_Her_.

She doesn't have to say her name; they both know. Their bond has been a festering wound between them for years.

"Don't bring her into it" he whispers harshly.

There is a sad resignation in her face at his words, "How am I not supposed to Elliot? I used to cringe at the way your eyes would light up when she called…but this, watching you miss her…its worse"

He swallows hard at her statement; each word prickling on his skin. He hasn't meant to make her feel like this; he hasn't meant to be so transparent…but if he's honest, he knows that he has never been able to hide his obvious feelings about her.

But she's his partner goddamnit…_and so much more_.

"Kath"

Shaking her head she gets up, moisture pooling in her eyes, "I sometimes wonder if you missed me the way you miss her. If you walked around like you were maimed…but, I'm not her…and I can never be" she tells him walking past him and towards the door.

His chest constricts and he can hear his heartbeat in his ears, "Kathy" he manages to sputter out more harshly.

When she turns there are tears on her cheeks and he wants to step towards her, he wants to wipe the tears away and promise that he's not going to fuck up…but instead he's planted in place and he knows he can't make any more promises he can't keep.

"It's over El"

And he knows she doesn't just mean the argument…and he should feel something…something other than relief.

OoO

"Come on Liv, come out for a drink with us" Fin cajoles.

They broke a big case and as happy as she is; she doesn't feel much like celebrating…_without him_.

Shaking her hand she smiles, "Nah, you guys go ahead, I'm going to finish the paperwork and head home…I'm spent"

Fin looks at her, and she can tell that he knows she's lying but he doesn't say anything. They've all been very understanding but she knows they are starting to wonder when she is going to snap out of it. Luckily they don't say anything; they just give her pitied expressions and tip toe around her like they are on eggshells.

"Okay" he says meeting her eye and then he leans down to where no one else can hear, "Why don't you try and call him again"

Tugging her lip between her teeth she looks away; she doesn't like to be vulnerable…she doesn't like wearing this around her neck like an albatross…she just doesn't know how not to be transparent when it's about _him._

A terse smile and Fin is gone, and she's sitting at her desk with the Semper Fidelis medal pressed between her fingertips.

OoO

His head is in his hands and he sits there for two hours, and he'll sit there for however many hours more because he needs to see her. The good Catholic in him knows he should be at home begging his wife not to leave him but instead he's in Manhattan on her stoop because it's her he needs right now.

The self imposed exile has been too painful, and he feels like all his wounds have been cut open and he's bleeding out every second tick of the clock.

OoO

It's cold but she walks home anyway relishing in the way the cold air stings her skin. It reminds her that she's alive; even if her days are spent walking around half dead.

As she rounds the corner her breath hitches in her throat and for a moment she's sure she's seeing things…and it's not the first time. For the first couple months it was like every corner she turned she saw his face but it's different now because all those other times she couldn't feel him in her bones like this.

OoO

He can feel her before he sees her. It sounds insane…but it's something that makes sense to the two of them and he really doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks.

Her hair is longer than the last time he's seen her; the streetlights catch on toffee colored highlights and for a moment he can't breathe. It's not like he hasn't always noticed how fucking gorgeous she was but today after months of depriving himself…seeing her is like that breath of air after you've been drowning for days.

Their eyes meet…and he hates himself a little because he can see the sadness in hers that he knows was caused by him. He would have rather sliced off his own arm then hurt her and the ache burns his chest.

Blowing out a cold breath he prays she can forgive him because he's tried to do it without her…and he's waving his white flag because he just can't do it anymore. He can't go on pretending that she doesn't mean anything to him…that she doesn't mean _everything_ to him.

OoO

When their eyes meet, it steals the breath from her. Because it's him and his presence is like a shock to her system…like the paddles on her chest are finally bringing her back to life.

She can feel the flutter in her stomach, the familiar urge for tears to fill her eyes…but she bites it back because she's scared that she won't be able to control the torrent of emotion that threatens to burst forth.

But she's always had a problem with control around him.

Her legs move faster underneath her because, even though she can feel him, a part of her is scared that he is somehow going to disappear…and she's not quite sure she can handle the being alone tonight if he's not real.

OoO

His heart is ramming against his chest, and as she gets closer her smell invades his nose. It's oddly comforting, that she still smells the same. He's not sure what it is: shampoo, lotion but she's always smelled so fresh, clean, like the purifying waters of baptism.

"El"

God, the sound of her voice makes him want to sink to his knees and sob, "Liv"

They don't do this…not unless someone has died, or been born but, he needs it, he needs her and his arms open and it's not lost on him how she falls him, her arms winding tight around him, her face buried in his neck and for the first time in six months, he can breathe.

OoO

There is something about his arms that feel like home. And even though she's still angry as hell and hurt over him leaving…it all doesn't matter right now…because he's here…because they always come back.

"I'm so sorry, God I missed you so much" he murmurs in her hair and the brokenness in his voice is oddly comforting because it seems to fit in with the jagged broken parts inside of her.

Like two connecting puzzle pieces.

She shudders as everything courses through her, nerves like exposed wires "I know"

OoO

And for the moment clinging to each other on a dirty Manhattan street, it's enough...because right now it's everything.


End file.
